Knowing What’s Right

Deep down, everyone knows what’s right for them. If ever you’re unsure, remember that by knowing what you do not want, you automatically have some idea of what you do want. Thinking of it that way always helped pivot my thoughts from “Omg I hate dis!” to “Hmmm, why do I hate this?”

In my situation, I went through (and still occasionally go through) phases where I really don’t like my job. I really, really don’t like my job. Sometimes. Most of the time though, it’s a really good job. I make enough money for me to be smiley and not panicky about paying my bills (though I can’t discredit the value of actually having standards for fiscal responsibility), while being able to travel and having time to do so as well. I chose to dislike my job to the degree that I did before, mostly because I became enthralled with the fact I felt like I had to be there, not that I chose it.

I know I need to commit more to writing. I love writing and I think it’s something that’s always been sort of natural for me.

Take what you can from wherever you are in life. You’re in that position for a reason, and it’s a direct result of the way you think. But you already knew that.

Trust

I have been seeing a life coach recently, mostly because I like the idea of supporting an entrepreneur and I love solution-based thinking (WHO ARE YOU TO DIAGNOSE ME WITH ANYTHING?! WHO YOU BE?). She’s nice, she has a nice house and a nice little doggy. Anyhow, I basically hired her (hah, I’s got an employee) to help me sort my crazy and see why I’m not fully committed to myself, or my relationships for that matter. At least not to the degree I’d like.

She mentioned something that really hit me one day. I was on my regular rant of “I don’t know why I do what I do”, perhaps somewhat in denial, but she asked me if I trusted that things would work out for me. If I trust in the process. I didn’t understand what she meant. Why would I trust?

Anyhow, I tried it. It’s awesome. I love it. I trust it. It feels like I don’t have to panic because somehow things are always taken care of. Granted, it’s not always easy, but I’ve survived this long.

I’m going to try to be more accepting that things are supposed to be good for me. Trusting that the only time things hurt are when you’re going the other direction with where you’re supposed to be.

Kid Gloves

I have discovered a significant, life-altering thing recently. I’ve spent about ten months immersing myself in what is possible, listening to and over analyzing every seminar and every possible scenario for how to apply the concepts to my life.

I’ve listened to everything from sermens, to comedy, to intense study about changing your life. I’ve heard everything repackaged and rearranged by every exciting speaker and program. I didn’t however, spend much time listening to and connecting with myself.

I kept hearing these wonderful concepts, but I didn’t even think of how they could actually applying to my growth in any praxlctical way. Nothing compared to the possibilities these opportunities presented, they were endless.

One night, I was feeling particularly bad. I was preparing to eat a lot, which is my chosen method for self soothing. I was always trying to mask the actual feelings. I had just returned from grocery shopping, and I was thrilled about the food I got. I was saying something funny to my dad, kind of showy I guess, when I caught myself. I was feeling like a little kid. In that moment, I felt a little bit sensitive like an insecure child that just broke something. I was feeling a little dumb like that same kid. I was feeling a little gross, like I was still that powerless little kid. I realized then and there that I had to begin to unravel the part of my life that all those seminars couldn’t do for me.

I was always aware, like many, that like wasn’t “easy.” It wasn’t going to be all rainbows (which, on the contrary, while there may not always be rainbows, it’s certainly better depending on your beliefs), and even when I wanted to believe anything was possible, it wasn’t logical. As ridiculous and unlike anything I’d tell any child ever, I often felt this way as a kid. A few days prior, my life coach, Cathy had mentioned treating myself with kid gloves. I didn’t think much of it.

That night, I lay in bed thinking about my life. What I always wanted seemed so far away. I never consciously doubted anything I wanted wouldn’t happen once I committed. Once I committed to the dream, it’d all work out. When was that though? I couldn’t relax properly. So I decided now was as good of a time as any to begin the real work. I looked down to the left and shifted my emotions from the taking-care-of-everything-adult version of me, and actually imagined I was talking to a five or six year old version of me.

I identified some of my life-limiting beliefs, as ridiculous as they seem now, it’s what was real at the time (mommy doesn’t want to spend time with me, I don’t deserve toys, etc). I talked to the small child in my and explained some things. I couldn’t be too general, because the five year old me wouldn’t understand. I had to be specific and direct. After about five minutes, I felt an unimaginable inner peace. I’d found something that people sometimes end their lives over… I understood the importance of using my adult awareness to reconnect to the part of me I thought was lost. To understand where I am going, I had to understand where I was.

To sum it all up, I realized the importance of things like meditation and time to myself. Actual time to myself free of time spent consumed with distraction.