Shift in Perspective

The last couple of years have been huge for me. They’ve tested me more than many years past, mostly through my needing to face my past and what was/is unconsciously driving me. I’ve had to face it all, all of what came up at the time, and I know there’s a lot more to come. I’m prepared to handle it though.

On Monday, I’m going to start on a new health journey. One that isn’t all-or-nothing and which won’t result in utter failure due its impossibility to begin with.

As of this writing, I’m 262 pounds. I’m looking to be 165 a year from now and will be posting periodic updates on this blog. I like looking back and wish I had made more of an effort to document the goings on in my life.

Thanks ❤

Surrender the Future…

I have struggled so much with anxiety these past few years. My posting on here always seemed to coincide with feeling inspired to connect. That’s such a fickle way of being because the value isn’t always in the inspired pieces of wisdom, but in the trenches.

I don’t even put in the effort that I have wanted to over the past six years of having this blog.

I’ve recently taken a step back from needing to home and control aspects of the future which no one person can control. Resistance feels like control, and perhaps in a way it is. When one holds enough resistance, they can be powerful enough to manifest disease.

In some way, I am mourning the loss of something I completely took for granted at the time. Maybe it felt like a prison. But if nothing lasts, is anything really a prison? Who are we to say that we know what’s best?

I grew up without any religious affiliation, living in reaction to everything that happened to me. Then I took ultimate responsibility which in retrospect was a totally opposite extreme.

Maybe I can surrender to the flow of life, to trust my inner wisdom telling me that I’ll know the right things when I feel them. It reminds me of dating life… When I strangled the connection with expectation and fear, I was always right in that I proved I was going to be abandoned. Then I gave in and trusted that the universe would guide me to exactly the right man for me. And it did. And I love him… I couldn’t have asked for more.

I love my ego trying to protect me… I love it for telling me what’s wrong and how vigilant I should be. But I love it enough to keep it in check sometimes too.

Maybe we can all set it (the need to win) down for a minute every day. ❤

Thoughts on Addictive Behaviour

Perhaps it isn’t about denying that the substance/behaviour is needed, rather accepting that it is absolutely needed on the level of consciousness that it serves. We aren’t born addicted, rather addictions are born out of immense suffering in an attempt to find even momentary relief.

Maybe it’s about accepting that the focus is always on love and a sense of inner peace even when the attempt to soothe is unhealthy. All we want is to feel better, to feel relief. Abusing oneself in an attempt to force obedience is not the right away to effect the change we want. Rather, we should be gentle and more than anybody else, love ourselves unconditionally.

We choose our addictions because they feel Like love in the most powerful sense. They feel like home, our best friend and our soulmate in the moment. At one point, they absolutely were – Even if they don’t have a place in our current life situation, they had a place long enough that we learned to live by them as a mantra of survival.

Maybe we could love our addictions the same way we love a troubled family member or a misbehaving child. Maybe the addicted part of us just needa to feel what they missed and needs to believe that it could be better for them too… It’s possible to allow those painful feelings to come to the surface because we’re safe now. We can see.

Self Connection is the Only Way (for me)

I’ve spent years trying to make myself be, do or have something more than I do. I have tried to make myself be a better daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend and employee. I’ve tried to make myself thinner, softer, louder, quieter, to save money, to spend money, to have a sense of style, and to hide away because the world isn’t safe.

Just writing this out makes me feel a deep sense of sadness and an understanding of why I am so tired all the time. I still spend a lot of time in my day occupied v with trying to keep it all together, and to be everything for everyone at once. The funny thing is, I already know that nobody cares what I do or not. I don’t mean that in some sad way, but for everything that i try to be, it’s based in and built around wanting the approval of my family.

My point is this: now that I’ve found ways to connect with myself, I have bad days when I abandon myself the way I always did before. To anyone reading this, choose you and care about what you want more than anyone else. If they’re meant to be there, looked out for by you, you can truly be there by choosing them too. And if it’s too damn heavy, let it go.

The City

Initially I wanted to have something structured and wanted people to see my blog as… I don’t know. Special? I’m not sure. Either way, it feels heavy so I’m just going with what I feel hehe. 

I was downtown on my way home this evening when I looked up at the tall, beautiful skyscrapers. I thought about how masculine everything is and how desperately it calls to the feminine to balance it. 

That’s why the downtown my city feels so lonely after dark… It’s so full of this amazing masculine energy and it craves softness. Like what New York and Vancouver have… A large art scene that’s authentic and built over decades of collaboration. It’s so beautiful to really notice all of the planning, effort and adjustments that needed to be made. Things I take for granted will work. That they’ll support me, allowing me to float effortlessly through my day. 

And I really love it… Every building was built from masculine energy that wanted to support the feminine, to keep it warm… Protected from the elements yet with full visibility to all that’s possible to it. Hence modern architecture. Everything is floor to ceiling windows. 

It makes me think of when a man takes pride in being able to protect. While we as women may not need it in the same way as we used to on the surface, I don’t know a single feminine woman who doesn’t want it on some level. Usually the only thing holding them from it seems to be what they think it means to have that, to be in a receptive state of being. 

Just some thoughts… 

Adapting to Change

Recently my employer made the decision to move the division of the company into the same building with the rest of the business. 

We had been told almost a year in advance but it didn’t hit most of us until it was time to go. I was part of a first wave of sorts and was actually excited about that after awhile. 

March 30 came and it was my first day. I woke up with the most intense anxiety and nothing I or my boyfriend did could alleviate it. I was intent on powering through, but it was debilitating. 

I seemed to find my groove when I got in. There were some familiar faces, some nice IT people and even a few people I’d seen but didn’t really connect with in the past. This was an exciting time, I was about to reinvent myself. 

The first day left me so depleted and I couldn’t figure out why. My job was no different and I wasn’t annoyed by anybody or anything. I didn’t sleep well that night, though. 

The next day I felt numb. I was equally, if not more open and engaging than the day before, determined to connect with people. I ended up overreacting to some negative feedback and sought support from some co-workers​. 

Later that night I was in the car with my boyfriend and something was said that made me a bit emotional. I had let my work stress affect something I had promised him I’d do. After hearing him out, I felt a massive wave of emotion bubbling up. I did my usual “take control, breathe” process but it wasn’t working. I began hyperventilating and had a full blown meltdown. I even opened the car door for air and slid onto the ground. I wailed and wailed for about five minutes. I found myself laughing heartily before I even realized. I felt so amazing, so light. 

It occurred to me that I needed to prioritize relaxation. I needed to take full control of only what I can, and surrender what I can’t. So I have been. I’ve been asking myself for my “girly time”, which may involve taking a bath, taking a nap, writing, burning incense, etc. It has helped so much. 

We think so often that we can just power through and make whatever needs to happen – happen… But you can’t make anything worthwhile happen without remembering to take care of yourself every day. ❤ 

That’s all ❤ I hope everyone who reads this has a great day/week/month. 

Future SO Bright…

As I approach my 25th birthday, I can feel this massive internal shift towards empowerment. The things that I would tell myself to avoid uncovering my greatness and true value that I can provide are getting harder and harder to ignore.

Lately I have been facing more and more of my fear, my resistance and the things that no longer serve me. Much of my stress comes from denying my absolutely crucial need to connect. There are times where I need to connect, but because I think that I can’t without being an inconvenience or something, I turn to addictive behaviours and thought patterns to falsely meet the need. This is a pretty big revelation for me since I have heard about addicts doing that but I have never actually observed the pattern within myself.

I am beginning to see that we’re all working away, doing our best. There has to be an element of trust and committment to yourself. You have to ‘buy in’ to yourself and really fall in love with the unfolding of your gifts, talents and greatest attributes. It really isn’t about you, but about everyone that will come into your life.

There are times when my gifts stress me out. The gifts themselves are amazing, but the need to share them can become difficult to handle. I’m chuckling as I am writing this because some people would LOVE to have this problem, but it is a struggle because I have never really unleashed my greatest potential. Ever. Of course it can be scary but that doesn’t mean that you can’t take a risk.

I felt this need to make this ‘return to blogging’ very polished and pretty. It isn’t happening that way and I’m totally okay with that. I don’t feel the need to censor myself or to sell myself or this blog to anyone. If I want to make it about connection, a perfectly polished website wouldn’t necessarily do that. I am not there yet. I need to continue feeling my way through things.

This might sound somber, but it isn’t. In a way, I am immersed in what is possible but it is important to feel safe enough to do that and really let myself feel good. Things are going great, and they’re only getting better. (that last sentence reminds me of that “future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades” song hahaha.)

LA ❤ 🙂