He’s Doing the Best That He Knows How To

I’ve been asking better questions lately, and I’ve come to realize a number of things. I decided to question my past beliefs on relationships and how I interpret things that have happened during some of my own past relationships. I did not realize how easy it is to assign a helpless, inaccurate meaning to things mindlessly. From that frame of mind, you make the person the enemy, whether it’s a lover or anyone else.

For example, with an ex of mine. He’d become quiet from time to time and instead of me thinking “Maybe he’s just thinking about something else. If he wants to, he will share with me.”, I’d instead think “What did I do wrong? Why isn’t he sharing?”. Even when I consider now how that feels to think about, it’s crazy that my stomach knots up and I feel sick on the latter question. Asking the wrong questions of myself sabotaged what I thought I wanted countless times.

I’m beginning to question my beliefs on finance too. Focusing on a state of abundance is wonderful, but it’s also vital not to just go into a state of unconsciousness about how you manage it. Not that it’s related to my post on relationship questions, mind you. I find it valuable that asking questions are what runs, or stops everything.

I ultimately decided to title this “He Does is Best Doing the Best He Knows How To”, because I don’t believe that anyone actively tries to do bad things. Even people who seem to do bad things, they feel that’s what they need to do to survive in this world. At least that’s what I choose to think. It’s a more productive mindset than feeling helplessly victim to the wrong questions.

Trust & Patience

I’m beginning to accept that one of the greatest things is when you can love someone unconditionally. I have always struggled with this because of my own feelings of lack, but life just isn’t any good without it. If you constantly put your happiness in the hands of others, you’ll be disappointed a lot. I am responsible for how I choose to feel by way of what I choose to focus on. If someone does something I don’t think they should, while I used to take the victim route, I now see it as an opportunity to accept that life is ever-changing.

In spite of our best efforts, life has to change whether we feel ready or not. We almost always are (I don’t know when we aren’t, but I’m sure someone hasn’t been ready before), but it’s really easy to be attached to how things should be. Just writing this, I feel that heavy sensation of guilt lifting. On one hand, it’s always shitty to be disappointed. Nobody wants to be let down, but it also exposes your true motivation behind a lot of things. At least in response, it’s a very clear idea of where you are. Apparently I’m still in an outcome-dependent, love-starved mode. I, however, am not loved starved. I am actively working on sharing my love with more people by way of being positive most of the time, and it’s quite rewarding. For someone to feel so lacking, it’s silly enough to make me laugh as I write this. There are so many people, so many things to do on this planet.

Ah, this is awesome. Just with writing a few words, not dependent on feedback or anything, I feel amazing. I love life, especially because of the tough times ❤

Choosing a Lover

I recently began thinking about something sort of troubling. I’ve always been of the opinion (by always I mean in the last year or so) that things do tend to work out as they’re meant to, but I couldn’t imagine being in the type of situation where you’re faced with having to choose between two lovers.

Perhaps they both possess amazing qualities that you could easily see yourself spending your life with, but there’s still two of them.

It makes me wonder if there’s an intuition with that, or where the line would be between that and your mind trying to use other factors to reason it.

I hope I’m never in that situation, and it’d definitely be only a one-time thing I’m thinking. I suppose there could be a lesson in decision making and long-term foresight for the person making the decision. Hmm.

It’s Supposed to be Fun

I was talking with a friend recently about my adventures in dating. Historically, she and I had years of baggage from our pasts that hindered personal progress and subsequent relationship development. We have spent years working through our issues, but heavily since early 2012. After all of the effort, I actually feel more ready than I ever have, though my scarce thoughts still occasionally return. I manage, however. It’s not like it stops me from dating.

She recently entered a relationship with a guy she’s fallen for. I’m excited for her. It reminds me of how she was right before she met him though. She seemed a lot less heavy about the whole thing. I’ve had my moments of that, but it’s made me think about what she did differently that I should do. Granted, while I don’t envy her relationship, the relationship is nevertheless a result of her psychology. At least from my perspective.
I came to the conclusion that dating should be fun. I’ve been exploring possibilities with a number of great guys, and I don’t feel a need to push myself to make any sort of decision when they have the same smooth approach about it. I can’t lie though, it does feel good to appreciate someone without an agenda.

I am actually appreciating the journey. The duds, the gems and the friendships that have come out of my adventures in dating.

30 Words or Less

I had a date recently with a guy who had loads of potential. He seemed very thoughtful, intellectual, loving and friendly. Most importantly he had the look of a kid facing a pile of presents, or alternatively, a starved lion viewing a tasty antelope. Either way, that’s all I saw. He was very excited to meet, and understandably a little nervous. The first date we had wasn’t particularly well planned as he asked me when I was at work and I had no plans that evening (I’m told a lot of guys like spontaneity, so I figured I’d oblige).

The first date was fun, we had coffee at Waves. I loved it there and it was air conditioned. It was like a little Vancouver gem just one month into Calgarian exposure and I’d never been to that one before. The date ended with a walk where I spilled the beans on what I want. That’s one thing about me that I know for sure, all of the guys I’ve been with have always known what I’ve wanted. I’ve always made it very clear. He gave me the smiling eyes and we parted ways.

In spite of the alright first date, and my appreciation for his respective awesomeness, I knew it wasn’t right. The second date rolled around and we decided to have dinner. I’m a naturally talkative person as anyone that knows me will loudly attest to. I can go on tangents (often witnessed on this blog by my few appreciating followers) where I can wind up extending certain points that may or may not apply to the overall idea (did I just do that?). We exchanged less than 30 words each, and I think I was responsible for about 17. It was the most uncomfortable dinner I’ve had since I was a kid. You know, holidays and stuff.

We parted ways after he waited with me for my train and I thanked him for the dates. I wish him the best. 🙂

He Wanted Me to What?

I’ve been dating again, after a few months of stopping. I shouldn’t say dating, it’s more or less just going on dates. Wait, is that still considered dating? Whatever, it’s happening. I’m just meeting new people.

Anyhow, I’ve recently met some potential, but I have a few funnies to share in the meantime. I’ve taken an extremely lax approach to meeting people. I don’t have a sense of expectation for how I think things should go beyond a base level of respect, which is assumed. I don’t so much care about the way a guy looks or how much money he makes, as long as he’s not bothered by either. Generally speaking. For me, it’s definitely more valuable if I can see his potential by the way he speaks about himself and things he cares about. All that good stuff, the things associated with getting to know someone new.

The guys I’d been meeting all said the typically lovely things I think most girls have shown them they like to hear. I’m the kind of person who likes more masculine guys. I don’t mean that in the sense that they have to be brawny and aggressive, but that they can be. Or at least, they’re just more inclined toward being masculine than feminine. I love all the typical chivalrous things, it really helps. Most of the guys I’d met recently seemed to embody many aspects of things I liked.

One guy, we’ll call him Pablo, he was staying in Red Deer for a few months after being in Surrey for two years. He had previously arranged for us to go out, but rescheduled. It was fine, I was busy the day we had originally agreed to meet. In truth I’d forgotten. Anyhow, rather last minute he asks me if I’d like to go for a walk once he’s done with an event in Kensington. That was perfect for me because downtown’s close to everything. If it doesn’t work, we can just go our separate ways. I lost track of the time after we met, and I knew the whole time that he was being at least a little bit fake. It’s understandable to some degree when you’re meeting a potential lover, they could judge you and slipping into scarcity is really easy. I knew though that this was a little different, so I prepared myself.

He seemed really masculine. Even in the sense that he didn’t let me walk on the side of the street with the cars. I didn’t think I was going to pursue something with him (he was a little abrasive for me), but I appreciated the gesture. He seemed thoughtful to boot. It was close to midnight and we decided to part ways. I had come on the train and I knew he parked in Kensington, which is ridiculously easy to get to from where we were. He’d also mentioned a GPS thing on his car. He goes “let’s go”, so I assumed that he was going to try and offer me a ride. I figured well, I suppose I could take that (the thought he’d be a killer or something didn’t cross my mind, I figured I could take him!). So we walked and I began to feel incredibly awkward right as we got to where the car was.

I found out shortly after, I realized he wanted me to walk him to his car. This sort-of burly construction worker wanted the girl he was planning to try banging (for a lack of a more-suited word) to escort him to his car, just for safety’s sake. He was scared of getting lost, even though we were three blocks from the car and he always came to the city. Maybe it’s just me because of my years being jaded by guys who’d rather escort me at least to the area in which I would be transported home. We’ll pretend he forgot his GPS. I wish him luck though, he’s right for some girl.

P.S., nothing happened with him. We never spoke again after that awkwardness.

Relationship Lists & Advice

Different people have different ideas about how life works, how relationships work, how parenting works, how to advance your career, etc. I personally don’t like taking advice from people who aren’t where I want to be. I don’t necessarily mean exactly where I want to be in every way since some people are stronger professionally than they are in their personal lives, but offering advice where they do excel.

I have been talking lately with a lot of people in my life who are somewhere I might want to be. Married friends, dating friends, happy people, etc., just trying to soak up anything of value they may have to offer, even contrast to push me toward clarity. It helped. I talked out different ideas with those I trusted an I came to many conclusions – one of the more notable, that lists are silly.

I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but when you have a list of rigid bullet-points that are supposed to comprise what you expect out of a relationship, it’s a slippery slope. For example, if I were to say that I wanted a man who was physically fit, I’d already have caught myself because I’m not in the kind of shape I think I’d need to be in to match that. Not saying that I’d necessarily need to be, but there would be a definite contrast between our lifestyles which may not align long-term. Another example would be wanting someone who is following their passion. Well, I’m not. At least not yet.

The conclusion I came to through all of that is that I want to fully commit to becoming the strongest version of myself before pursuing someone. There are always exceptions, and I’d hope to meet the man of my dreams before that, but until I’m fully committed to myself, expecting the kind of awesomeness I do from life, especially in terms of relationships, is almost silly.

…and I wouldn’t have it any other way.