The last couple of years have been huge for me. They’ve tested me more than many years past, mostly through my needing to face my past and what was/is unconsciously driving me. I’ve had to face it all, all of what came up at the time, and I know there’s a lot more to come. I’m prepared to handle it though.
On Monday, I’m going to start on a new health journey. One that isn’t all-or-nothing and which won’t result in utter failure due its impossibility to begin with.
As of this writing, I’m 262 pounds. I’m looking to be 165 a year from now and will be posting periodic updates on this blog. I like looking back and wish I had made more of an effort to document the goings on in my life.
I have struggled so much with anxiety these past few years. My posting on here always seemed to coincide with feeling inspired to connect. That’s such a fickle way of being because the value isn’t always in the inspired pieces of wisdom, but in the trenches.
I don’t even put in the effort that I have wanted to over the past six years of having this blog.
I’ve recently taken a step back from needing to home and control aspects of the future which no one person can control. Resistance feels like control, and perhaps in a way it is. When one holds enough resistance, they can be powerful enough to manifest disease.
In some way, I am mourning the loss of something I completely took for granted at the time. Maybe it felt like a prison. But if nothing lasts, is anything really a prison? Who are we to say that we know what’s best?
I grew up without any religious affiliation, living in reaction to everything that happened to me. Then I took ultimate responsibility which in retrospect was a totally opposite extreme.
Maybe I can surrender to the flow of life, to trust my inner wisdom telling me that I’ll know the right things when I feel them. It reminds me of dating life… When I strangled the connection with expectation and fear, I was always right in that I proved I was going to be abandoned. Then I gave in and trusted that the universe would guide me to exactly the right man for me. And it did. And I love him… I couldn’t have asked for more.
I love my ego trying to protect me… I love it for telling me what’s wrong and how vigilant I should be. But I love it enough to keep it in check sometimes too.
Maybe we can all set it (the need to win) down for a minute every day. ❤