Like many, I have struggled with my weight. By that I mean, my expectations about how I should look. I have not felt truly appreciative of my body and all of the amazing things it can do in some time. It’s kind of silly to think about feeling good or bad about your body. Your body is your body, a tool for survival. Why should we have an opinion on it, even when we experience pain/disease, etc? The only focus should be on providing the best support and environment for one’s body to repair itself, because in most cases, it will.
My weight fluctuates. I’m 5’8″ and proportion my weight very well, so it certainly doesn’t appear as “bad” as someone who would be say 5’2″ or 5’3″. While I may lose say 20 lbs. over the course of a month, I will love how it feels and then inevitably allow my focus and determination to wane, and eventually gain most of it back.
Recently I have gained a bit more than before, but it feel different. It feels almost as though it is related to my emotional wellbeing. Specifically my focus on things I cannot control. Naturally this causes a low-level anxiety that Jon Gabriel says “turns on the fat programs”.
As with millions of others, I have tried a plethora of diets and approaches to losing weight. Well, shedding weight. There is that thing about not wanting to find it again, which I agree makes sense.
An amazing friend of mine who is a Life Coach had mentioned to me once that often families have unspoken agreements about conduct and how far one can “step out on their own” without facing isolation. I wasn’t ready to fully absorb what that meant when I heard it, but it stuck with me. I was in a place where I blamed myself for everything and took on massive responsibility for everything I experienced. Now I see that it isn’t about blame. It’s nice to know that I can put things in perspective that didn’t have much to do with anything I did or didn’t do.
When I looked at my family I thought about how there are the standard “rich people are bad” and “women are users” type of language. Of course if you ask any one of them about these things, they will clarify that it is only some rich people and some women. On a deeper level, the resentment still exists.
In so many ways, I have always fought those stereotypes. I would only let myself save a certain amount of money or only be so feminine that I often missed out on crucial opportunities for joy, growth and experience. It never felt that bad when I missed those opportunites though – I wouldn’t want to cause a rift between myself and those I love most. It felt like I was doing the right thing in some way.
I talked with my boyfriend on the phone last night about this because it was all so overwhelming to work through on my own. He listened intently as he always does and reminded me of an interesting perspective that he had during a previous conversation. In response to my telling him something to the effect of not feeling like “those girls”, the privileged ones who seemed to take things for granted, he told me (and I’m paraphrasing here – I was feeling emotional, you know) “In a way, it’s like you use that as justification to continue playing small.”
In saying that, he cracked the shell that I used to protect myself from my own truth – I am afraid of what will happen if I shed my weight. I am afraid of what will happen if I become financially independent or Universe (or whatever demonination you adhere to) forbid financially free. How will these things change my life?
This is what comes up:
– I fear that if I let go of the weight, I will be fully exposed and vulnerable to the world. I understand that I am vulnerable now, but if something happens to me or specifically to my body, it isn’t the real me – it’s the real me with several lbs. of extra weight. In a way it’s dissociative.
– I fear that if I am financially free, my family will resent me for becoming like the people we don’t like.
That is an interesting choice of words, just oozing with intense emotion and heaviness…
In the first point, I still assume a massive amount of responsibility. Not just for myself but for the WORLD. How can anyone prepare for or reconcile that fear? Of course it’s overwhelming, nobody can control the world or anything really. Except themselves. Also, in the second point, I used “we” when describing those that I am avoiding becoming.
Sharing this is incredibly therapeutic for me, and I want more of it. Perhaps it’s the right step because it is extremely vulnerable. I am taking my need for connection and marrying it with my goal of opening up and feeling everything. In turn, I am sure that this is what will help me drop and maintain my weight for the rest of my life.
More to come…
LA ❤ 🙂