Weight Loss, Financial Independence and Family Agreements… Wait, what?

Like many, I have struggled with my weight. By that I mean, my expectations about how I should look. I have not felt truly appreciative of my body and all of the amazing things it can do in some time. It’s kind of silly to think about feeling good or bad about your body. Your body is your body, a tool for survival. Why should we have an opinion on it, even when we experience pain/disease, etc? The only focus should be on providing the best support and environment for one’s body to repair itself, because in most cases, it will.

My weight fluctuates. I’m 5’8″ and proportion my weight very well, so it certainly doesn’t appear as “bad” as someone who would be say 5’2″ or 5’3″. While I may lose say 20 lbs. over the course of a month, I will love how it feels and then inevitably allow my focus and determination to wane, and eventually gain most of it back.

Recently I have gained a bit more than before, but it feel different. It feels almost as though it is related to my emotional wellbeing. Specifically my focus on things I cannot control. Naturally this causes a low-level anxiety that Jon Gabriel says “turns on the fat programs”.

As with millions of others, I have tried a plethora of diets and approaches to losing weight. Well, shedding weight. There is that thing about not wanting to find it again, which I agree makes sense.

An amazing friend of mine who is a Life Coach had mentioned to me once that often families have unspoken agreements about conduct and how far one can “step out on their own” without facing isolation. I wasn’t ready to fully absorb what that meant when I heard it, but it stuck with me. I was in a place where I blamed myself for everything and took on massive responsibility for everything I experienced. Now I see that it isn’t about blame. It’s nice to know that I can put things in perspective that didn’t have much to do with anything I did or didn’t do.

When I looked at my family I thought about how there are the standard “rich people are bad” and “women are users” type of language. Of course if you ask any one of them about these things, they will clarify that it is only some rich people and some women. On a deeper level, the resentment still exists.

In so many ways, I have always fought those stereotypes. I would only let myself save a certain amount of money or only be so feminine that I often missed out on crucial opportunities for joy, growth and experience. It never felt that bad when I missed those opportunites though – I wouldn’t want to cause a rift between myself and those I love most. It felt like I was doing the right thing in some way.

I talked with my boyfriend on the phone last night about this because it was all so overwhelming to work through on my own. He listened intently as he always does and reminded me of an interesting perspective that he had during a previous conversation. In response to my telling him something to the effect of not feeling like “those girls”, the privileged ones who seemed to take things for granted, he told me (and I’m paraphrasing here – I was feeling emotional, you know) “In a way, it’s like you use that as justification to continue playing small.”

In saying that, he cracked the shell that I used to protect myself from my own truth – I am afraid of what will happen if I shed my weight. I am afraid of what will happen if I become financially independent or Universe (or whatever demonination you adhere to) forbid financially free. How will these things change my life?

This is what comes up:

– I fear that if I let go of the weight, I will be fully exposed and vulnerable to the world. I understand that I am vulnerable now, but if something happens to me or specifically to my body, it isn’t the real me – it’s the real me with several lbs. of extra weight. In a way it’s dissociative.

– I fear that if I am financially free, my family will resent me for becoming like the people we don’t like.

That is an interesting choice of words, just oozing with intense emotion and heaviness…

In the first point, I still assume a massive amount of responsibility. Not just for myself but for the WORLD. How can anyone prepare for or reconcile that fear? Of course it’s overwhelming, nobody can control the world or anything really. Except themselves. Also, in the second point, I used “we” when describing those that I am avoiding becoming.

Sharing this is incredibly therapeutic for me, and I want more of it. Perhaps it’s the right step because it is extremely vulnerable. I am taking my need for connection and marrying it with my goal of opening up and feeling everything. In turn, I am sure that this is what will help me drop and maintain my weight for the rest of my life.

More to come…

LA ❤ 🙂

Trauma and the Loss of Innocence

The world can be a very scary place. Even scarier can be realizing that so often we miss the most amazing moments that are there to serve as rewards, true manifestation of the results of our progress. We miss these moments partially because they are filtered through the protective boundaries created in response to traumatic experiences.

I have grown so much over these past two years. Having faced many past hurts, I have an ever-growing appreciation and love for myself that wasn’t there for years. I am turning 25 in August and something about that milestone triggered me to take a look back.

Every single time I took a step, I felt both liberated and terrified. I was met with a new resistance within myself that would trigger me to question my path. At first, there was an overwhelming sense that things couldn’t possibly be this good, this calm and relaxed in my life. It was almost like I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, expecting the good that I was finally beginning to allow myself to experience would just fall apart. On some level I suppose I felt that even if it did, I would be right – and being right can sometimes seem more gratifying than being happy.

I have learned that the loss of innocence – my loss of innocence, was inevitable. Whether it was the traumatic things I experienced in my childhood or the terrible things that happen to innocent people all over the world, an awakening occurs for most of us. We must cross this bridge at some point.

If I could go back and have a conversation with my younger self I would tell her to spend less time trying to reconcile why these bad things happen. I would tell her to focus on undoing the patterns and fear that would eventually cloud her later years. The same patterns and fear that would often make her feel like a prisoner in her own life.

Pain has the power to destroy worlds and it always begins with your own. Adversity is a non-negotiable in this world and to try to sterilize the planet of it is futile.

I cannot explain or fully comprehend why it has to be this way. Perhaps it doesn’t and we have not evolved to be able to see that. When I think about specific events in my life, I can only imagine how different things could have been if I had said “why not me?” instead of “why me?”. For better or worse, the things that happen in our lives change us. They make us who we are, and in every moment we have the capacity to grow. This is nothing new, we have all seen and heard it a million times.

For years, I felt such intense resentment and in some cases, hatred for individuals that contributed to things that had a negative effect on my life. I had every reason to hold on for dear life, because on some level I wanted to ensure that there was a clear and distinct difference between them and myself. It made me think that they were in a place where they were unable to connect, to support, to love.

Things I went through gave me the awareness that not everybody cares about me. They gave me an appreciation for those individuals who do show up in a way that inspires me, who love and support me. They enriched the quality of my experiences because in working through the related trauma, I discovered the balance between my strength and my vulnerability.

I am still scared from time to time. Scared of my vulnerability, of my femininity. Scared of taking the risk of being open, thinking that I will be taken advantage of. The difference now though is that I am equipped with boundaries that allow me to put that fear in perspective. I am no longer a child, or a girl. Nobody can take anything from me that I do not permit. Without my life experiences, I would not have realized that my gifts are not for just anyone to experience.

It is natural to want to undo the damage, to pretend that these things don’t or didn’t happen. It’s easy to think that the answers lie in punishing the perpetrator, and maybe it is. I know it wasn’t in my case though. I am learning to look at those involved in my past hurts with a sense of love and understanding that I wasn’t always afforded.

This is the best thing that I have ever done for myself, those with whom I have a close life and the world at large. In working through these things, I am experiencing the most beautiful unfolding. It is as though I am finally giving myself permission to regain my connection with who I was before all of that. I have done many things that I regret, to myself and others. The more I connect with myself, the more I connect with everything around me.

Maybe it will take me years to fully open, but it’s worth every second. I am so grateful for every step of the journey and I want to share it with the world.

LA 🙂 ❤

 

That Triumphant Return, Tho.

It would definitely seem that I had all but abandoned this beautiful little blog. Anyone who read my last post would probably be happy to know that the best friend I was referring to actually became my boyfriend, and he is even better at that.

So much has changed, I am not sure of where to begin. I broke up with the guy I had been dating in March 2014, and subsequently went through the beginnings of a grand opening-into-myself that allowed me the ability to really relax (at least as much as I could) and begin to trust in the unfolding of things. I suppose that is the reason for my comeback.

I remember starting this blog because I wanted to connect. I remember loving the responses I received and how uplifting it felt to be recognized by Trevor Kucheran after reading his memoirs. I also remember partially abandoning the site because my best friend thought that the name Immersed in Possible was lame. After discussing it with my boyfriend though, I think it’s a great name.

I remember my inspiration for it, which still inspires me today was because saying “be positive” felt so cliche and empty. It didn’t resonate with me. Immersing myself in what it possible? Heck yeah that inspires me.

So, in short… I love it. This is an exciting time. I want to connect, to inspire and to enliven those parts of myself and others that get bogged down by daily stresses. I am thinking of posting every 1-3 days, but at least weekly. I am committing to that. Of course, I’d love it if it was daily, but after two years of silence, let’s not get ahead of ourselves 😉

 

LA ❤ 🙂