I’ve struggled with an eating issue (overeating as a means of coping with emotional discord), and enjoyed my fair share of over-salted, high-sugar foods. I’ve maintained a 50+ lb weight loss for 3.5 years and I have a lot of awareness in terms of how it works. It’s not brain surgery, it’s calories in, calories out. The more natural the calories are (say 1000 calories from a chocolate bar, vs. 1000 calories from some almonds, chicken, etc. in a salad), the better off you are.
I was always equating it to being heavy and slipping into unconsciousness before. It was nice when the going got tough, to just receed into a warm, safe, unconscious place where I could be numb from everything I was afraid of or felt I couldn’t handle. Interestingly enough it worked. Until recently.
A few days ago I had some popcorn. It was this delicious white cheddar popcorn, though I really wasn’t hungry. I was being especially lazy in not making food for work, almost as an excuse to get bad food. Anyhow, I devoured the entire bag in about 7 minutes (I’m big on numbers), and I felt myself slipping away. It was surreal. I was tired, irritable and all I wanted was more. Popcorn or not, anything else. Except my typical go-to, spinach and chicken breast.
The bad food, beyond weight fluctuations, really affects my quality of life. I don’t want to be unconscious. I love how it feels to be present and to give my all. At work, my sales and quality go up when I am present. In my relationships, my gifts are better amplified. I’ve been really assessing how I can effectively manage these impulses in a way that’s sustainable long-term. I’ve spent years going up and down about 15 – 25 lbs. and while it was fine, it’s becoming worse. I’m beginning to feel immature by still being so undisciplined. It’s beginning to frustrate me, essentially making me sick of my own past baggage.
I think it’s incredible. Beyond looking hot, or getting hot guys, etc. I am really just exhausted trying to mask my underlying struggles. It’s time to face the music!