The List is Out the Window

I’ve reached a new level in my personal progress that has left me realizing that the truth, the true value for me is not at all what it used to be. Well, I can’t say that. It’s not at all what it seemed it used to be. It’s incredibly interesting because I can now look back and chuckle at how I used to see things, but it was very real for me back then.

I find it’s less about it being attached to one particular program, idea or development plan, and more about a natural progression for me. In this moment, I feel much closer to where I am supposed to be. I feel like the most whole version of myself, and I can’t help but tear up just a bit in gratitude. It’s really true, people want progress at the end of the day. All of the distraction and mindless addictions humans may enjoy aside, it’s progress and contribution.

This whole revelation has also shifted by paradigm on relationships. Before I always teetered between dependence and independence, even in the idea of having someone. I realize now that I’m so happy those past relationships didn’t last because they certainly would have stifled my progress. It would have been my doing too, my creation. That switched off completely. Now I’m more peaceful with being alone. I’m really happy to have this time to recede into my own mindset to really create something meaningful.

Therefore, the list is gone completely. You cannot expect perfection in someone, only someone perfectly suited to you in the big picture. I realized, accepted and rejoiced today that indeed race, culture, affluence, etc. doesn’t matter to me as long as it feels right to me. Anyone could go on for days about things they want in a lover, but people aren’t lists. Besides, somehow things tend to work out a little better for me than I expected them to, so I don’t feel I’ll ever have to compromise.

My only job now is to devise ways to really contribute to those I already share my life with. To really push myself into a new level of consciousness, and to enjoy how amazing just knowing this about my life and being able to share it actually is.

At the moment, I’m sitting in a warm, well-lit home that I didn’t have anything to do with building. Typing on a computer collaborating with electricity to help me write this, loving that I have machines to wash and dry my clothes. I have resources, friends, family, a job. A safe place to sleep.

I hope everyone who reads this knows how great things can be. ❤

Om Nom the Feelings. OMNOMZEM!

I’ve struggled with an eating issue (overeating as a means of coping with emotional discord), and enjoyed my fair share of over-salted, high-sugar foods. I’ve maintained a 50+ lb weight loss for 3.5 years and I have a lot of awareness in terms of how it works. It’s not brain surgery, it’s calories in, calories out. The more natural the calories are (say 1000 calories from a chocolate bar, vs. 1000 calories from some almonds, chicken, etc. in a salad), the better off you are.

I was always equating it to being heavy and slipping into unconsciousness before. It was nice when the going got tough, to just receed into a warm, safe, unconscious place where I could be numb from everything I was afraid of or felt I couldn’t handle. Interestingly enough it worked. Until recently.

A few days ago I had some popcorn. It was this delicious white cheddar popcorn, though I really wasn’t hungry. I was being especially lazy in not making food for work, almost as an excuse to get bad food. Anyhow, I devoured the entire bag in about 7 minutes (I’m big on numbers), and I felt myself slipping away. It was surreal. I was tired, irritable and all I wanted was more. Popcorn or not, anything else. Except my typical go-to, spinach and chicken breast.

The bad food, beyond weight fluctuations, really affects my quality of life. I don’t want to be unconscious. I love how it feels to be present and to give my all. At work, my sales and quality go up when I am present. In my relationships, my gifts are better amplified. I’ve been really assessing how I can effectively manage these impulses in a way that’s sustainable long-term. I’ve spent years going up and down about 15 – 25 lbs. and while it was fine, it’s becoming worse. I’m beginning to feel immature by still being so undisciplined. It’s beginning to frustrate me, essentially making me sick of my own past baggage.

I think it’s incredible. Beyond looking hot, or getting hot guys, etc. I am really just exhausted trying to mask my underlying struggles. It’s time to face the music!

Resurfacing at the Perfect Time

Today I spoke with a dear old friend that I’d fallen out of a friendship with nearly a year ago. She and I had been friends for about five years, spending time together several times a week. We were pretty close, and had a similar mindset. Similar interests, too. She actually helped inspire me to be fiscally responsible and reinforced through action how valuable independence can be. I really admired her, even when we weren’t friends. She bought a house on her own when she was 24, and was the first person I ever knew who had done that. She takes care of her daughter and works really hard.

I realized that with my closest friendships, there are moments, times when we must be apart. With my best friend, it was about 16 months, with others it’s been just a few. The only conclusion I have come to with that is that it is necessary for the naturally contracting and expanding nature of life.

I’m excited to say the least, I have a deeper appreciation for everything now. I’m quite thrilled about how much better life is. Even though I’m only 22, I feel like I’ve reached a new level in my personal evolution, and it feels natural. It feels comfortable, exciting, smooth, and terrifying all at the same time. This new revelation on focus I’ve had recently has done wonders for me. Your mind must be occupied, otherwise it’ll invent problems for you.

Relationships and Personal Progress

A friend of mine told me today about how his sister and brother-in-law are divorcing. Apparently there were some issues with substance abuse, but it began to really strain their relationship. While he was telling me the story, I tried to fathom how difficult it must have been trying to balance the reality of the love you feel for someone, while caring for yourself enough to know when to let go.
 
It’s been an interesting point of argument for a number of people I have discussed this with. If 50% of marriages fail, is it because of a lack of effort, or because it wasn’t meant to be in the first place?
 
On one hand, why feel like you have to stay with someone just because at one point you felt something powerful for them. If your needs are not being met, if the love isn’t being reciprocated despite your best efforts, why feel obligated? On the other, you wouldn’t have wanted to share your life with them if on some level you didn’t feel you could commit to them on a deep level. Granted, that’s not the case for every union, I think that’s the general idea.
 
It’s really got me evaluating, focusing on who I want to become, who I’m supposed to become prior to entering into my next relationship. I couldn’t imagine the guilt of making a decision I knew I’d later regret in the heat of the moment because I haven’t put the work into myself. I’m beginning to see this awareness as a gift.
 
I’m also beginning to consider how I’d like to learn from people who have suffered from addictions.

Questions, So Many Questions!

I spoke with a close friend of mine recently who got me thinking about how day-to-day living has led me to focus only on what’s in front of me, almost leaving the future to default.
 
I realize also that it’s not a good thing to sort of take a back seat to your life because it’s important to have a sense of direction. Personal development material often leaves me questioning the balance between controlling your destiny, and radically accepting the present. Taking present action. Motivated by what though?
 
I think it was a Tony Robbins video I saw awhile ago where he talked about success being based around what questions you’re asking. For example, asking “why me?” would yield a matter-of-factly result of “because you eat too much”, or “because you spend all your money”, or “because you’re stupid”. It’s not a thoughtful question. I’ve been playing around a lot lately with questions and I’ve come to the conclusion that my recent struggles to maintain focus have more to do with my own comfort.
 
These next few weeks I plan to really work on what questions I run my day with.
 
Hmm.

Trust & Patience

I’m beginning to accept that one of the greatest things is when you can love someone unconditionally. I have always struggled with this because of my own feelings of lack, but life just isn’t any good without it. If you constantly put your happiness in the hands of others, you’ll be disappointed a lot. I am responsible for how I choose to feel by way of what I choose to focus on. If someone does something I don’t think they should, while I used to take the victim route, I now see it as an opportunity to accept that life is ever-changing.

In spite of our best efforts, life has to change whether we feel ready or not. We almost always are (I don’t know when we aren’t, but I’m sure someone hasn’t been ready before), but it’s really easy to be attached to how things should be. Just writing this, I feel that heavy sensation of guilt lifting. On one hand, it’s always shitty to be disappointed. Nobody wants to be let down, but it also exposes your true motivation behind a lot of things. At least in response, it’s a very clear idea of where you are. Apparently I’m still in an outcome-dependent, love-starved mode. I, however, am not loved starved. I am actively working on sharing my love with more people by way of being positive most of the time, and it’s quite rewarding. For someone to feel so lacking, it’s silly enough to make me laugh as I write this. There are so many people, so many things to do on this planet.

Ah, this is awesome. Just with writing a few words, not dependent on feedback or anything, I feel amazing. I love life, especially because of the tough times ❤

Something Extra Special

I’ve really come into my own as a woman this past month, after a long time developing. Of course, this is merely the beginning of a much longer, elaborate journey. I think I’ve found something special. By that, I mean extra special. I met someone I really like and it feels more natural than before. I’m a walking cocktail of excitement, peace and what I would consider happiness right now. It’s actually thrown a wrench in my plans to relocate to a different city. Logistics and stuff, as he lives in L.A., and I’m in Calgary. I make more money now than I likely would in the city I wanted to relocate to, but I don’t know. There are some other things to consider, but I discovered today that the cost to visit him, or for him to visit me is actually not so bad. I don’t know what I expected, but it’s totally manageable.

I do still feel like things do have a purpose, and that I wouldn’t trade any of my past experiences. I find that people tend to meet you where you are in life, and interestingly enough, it’s all folding together wonderfully. I can’t help but smile and feel this trust wash over me. It’s not entirely up to me, and it really is mostly about letting go.

A friend once told me that you “never really know” about when someone’s totally right for you. By totally, I mean right in the sense you think they might be. If a relationship lasts a year, is it less worthy than a relationship that lasts three or five? I don’t think every relationship was meant to last, fortunately for those involved. How awful that would be haha.

I had a whole plan for this blog entry, but it’s just become thought vomit. Like all of the entries on here. Either way, I hope everyone (or anyone?) who reads this is having a good day.

Mrow.