Sometimes I Forget I’m Still a Girl

More often than not, I realized that I tend to look at many aspects of my life as a destination. That very narrow-minded level of consciousness where you exist moment-to-moment, all the while being very in the future about everything. Something I’ve become very aware of lately is that I compare myself to a 30 something year old version of myself. I think. Either way, someone much more accomplished than I think I am supposed to be at this point.

I just turned 22 a week ago and I have reached a new level in my life. On that, I know I have to devise an action plan. It’s funny how you can be so stuck in the future while being stuck in the present. In truth, the idea of being totally present has never really appealed to me. Even when I think back on relationships. Very few moments were spent truly just appreciating my boyfriends. I always thought of what I’d wind up doing with, for, or because of them.

At the end of it all though, who in their right mind expects a 22 year old to know everything? If you never get life right (totally anyways), and you never reach a destination, does it really matter? For the first time, I’m okay with making mistakes. There are infinite possibilities, unlimited opportunities to pursue something new. Sometimes things really need to be shaken up, and I’m just in the perfect place to accept that.

Excitement! 🙂

Mindless Om-noming Resolution

In the last year and a bit, I realized that profit, weight loss, happiness, etc. are all results of psychology behind an idea or a person. It’s all in your perception and how you position things. When I thought of starting this blog, it was a result of feedback I’d received from friends and family over the years that always told me I was a fairly good writer. Even this is a result haha.

Since I’ve shed 20 lbs. this past month, I’ve really begun to truly evaluate my relationship between emotions and food. I created my attachment to it, likely through easy access in my younger, more stressful days. These past few days I’ve spent really considering my triggers. I was legitimately on a high for the first three weeks. I felt amazing, all that exercise and that feeling of your body digesting itself. The excitement wore off, as it often does, so I’m back trying to establish a new perspective. I had a few indulgent meals, which isn’t a bad thing. It’s a little bad, because I completely revert back to my old mindset for the duration of the meal.

I realize that my willingness to even evaluate my thoughts around it is progress. I’ve mentioned before that I spent alot of time being unconscious about a lot of things.

I don’t think I made any points here, but I’m a little sick with a ridiculous throat/allergy/hateful thing going on that’s leaving me sounding like Courtney Love today. It was Barry White yesterday, so I don’t know if that’s progress or not.

Snap Moments in Life

After more than a year of immersing myself in personal development material, I’ve obviously picked up a few recurring themes. One that’s on my mind today is from Tony Robbins I’m sure. I’m about to poorly paraphrase here, so be patient. It might have been in one of his books or in a seminar I watched, but basically he talks about how some people will respond to pain more than pleasure. The things people are willing to do to avoid pain vs. gain pleasure.

On July 26 I went to the doctor and it wasn’t the best. It wasn’t bad by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m a sensitive person and I care a lot about what the important people I interact with think. Within reason, my doctor is one of those people (by within reason, I mean that I wouldn’t take everything he says for gospel. What if he’s part of the ‘system’ trying to keep us all down!? Haha, just kidding ;)). I spent years overindulging and eating to absolute excess to soothe my pain. The pleasure of feeling light, looking and feeling sexy, and essentially having the confidence to pursue my dreams was more painful as an unknown than the comfort of eating to excess.

Just over a month into it, I have shed 20 lbs. (I say shed, mostly because lost implies that I don’t know where it went. I digested it! I digested all of it!), and I’m back in a relatively normal range for my health. My blood pressure is about 12 points lower than it was, so I’m happy.

The point of this blog entry is that in one moment, the pain of continuing a lifestyle that cannot be sustained (as almost any addiction cannot be, at least long term) was smashed to pieces when the doctor pulled me out of my dream world. Not with his words, but by how aware I was of my greatness in that moment. By that, I mean my potential greatness.

You hear a lot of personal development coaches and speakers refer to your gifts as belonging to those who you come into contact with. Holding back really does seem selfish when you think about it. By holding back, you’re implying that you’re somehow entitled to keep your gifts. I’m not saying that shedding weight is a gift, it was a conscious decision. The gift is the fact that I can share, and that I choose to share my thoughts on this blog.

I could be like one of those professional bloggers, spending days labouring over my work, trying to find some way to make it marketable and easy to read. In truth, I’m being incredibly honest. I don’t edit my stuff, I just type it and put it out there. What happens after that is hopefully cool, but overall satisfying for me. I feel good sharing this stuff because this is what I think I would have liked hearing when I was younger.

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Phew, and to top it off, in spite of having an hilariously hoarse voice today, it’s sunny! It’s totally sunny and beautiful. (Please forgive the sub par picture. Maybe Google some prettier sunny day pictures for effect :))

Contribution & the Rich

In my job, I get paid to be a frontline service to people. My job is to listen to what they need and offer what I can to help them either decide what they would want and to help ease their frustration. I sometimes get paid to hear about their losses and their daily struggles. Yes, I work in customer service. In a call centre. The call centre of a utility company.

Writing about it makes it sound rewarding. I can twist and reposition something that would typically be rather frustrating on the surface to something that is invaluable. At least for it to seem that way. I could choose to see it as a pain (in all honesty, I do choose to see it as a pain most of the time), but I created it. I created it because I wanted the exact job I have now when I was 16 and I knew two people who went and worked there. On the surface, they made really good money, they didn’t have to deal with the same ridiculous people (untrue), they had “security”. Whatever that meant to a 16 year old me. I look back and chuckle.

Anyhow, contribution. Instead of taking a victim role, I’m beginning to see money as an exchange for contribution. For value, even if it’s merely perceived value. For example, nobody needs a Snuggie. People who like to sit with blankets and hate coordinating the blanket so it doesn’t touch the floor or expose their frozen selves think it’s a genius idea. It’s about the level of true value or perceived value you can offer and how effectively you can execute that.

In my situation, I respect the amount of money I earn based on my level of contribution. In a small way, I have a lot of control. I can choose to behave in a way that can make or ruin someone’s day, I can choose to sabotage my company’s profits by not being accountable for upselling and keeping information current. I could even abuse the company’s unlimited sick time. Though I don’t. I realize that I need to be where I am so I can build the confidence in my ability to contribute more.

It feels amazing admitting that in all honesty.

It’s Supposed to be Fun

I was talking with a friend recently about my adventures in dating. Historically, she and I had years of baggage from our pasts that hindered personal progress and subsequent relationship development. We have spent years working through our issues, but heavily since early 2012. After all of the effort, I actually feel more ready than I ever have, though my scarce thoughts still occasionally return. I manage, however. It’s not like it stops me from dating.

She recently entered a relationship with a guy she’s fallen for. I’m excited for her. It reminds me of how she was right before she met him though. She seemed a lot less heavy about the whole thing. I’ve had my moments of that, but it’s made me think about what she did differently that I should do. Granted, while I don’t envy her relationship, the relationship is nevertheless a result of her psychology. At least from my perspective.
I came to the conclusion that dating should be fun. I’ve been exploring possibilities with a number of great guys, and I don’t feel a need to push myself to make any sort of decision when they have the same smooth approach about it. I can’t lie though, it does feel good to appreciate someone without an agenda.

I am actually appreciating the journey. The duds, the gems and the friendships that have come out of my adventures in dating.

Good Morning, Sunshine

I’m admittedly a little bit manic about this whole blogging thing. I love the idea of sharing my thoughts freely. The truth is that I need to interrupt the cycle of my thoughts and find a way to formulate what I think they ultimately mean. I love the people who view my blog because it’s a personal journey for me. I’m reaching a pinnacle in my personal progress where I’m just getting comfortable creeping just a little further up the ladder.

My decision to even start this blog seems worlds away. I don’t remember the moment I actually thought it was a good idea. I’m happy I did though, it’s important. Why? I’m not sure. I’m okay with not knowing though. My happiest moments are when I’m okay with just letting go a little and forgetting to control as much. I can’t totally relinquish control, however, not yet.

So, good morning to anyone reading this. If you’re reading this in the evening, good evening. I hope you had a good day. 🙂

30 Words or Less

I had a date recently with a guy who had loads of potential. He seemed very thoughtful, intellectual, loving and friendly. Most importantly he had the look of a kid facing a pile of presents, or alternatively, a starved lion viewing a tasty antelope. Either way, that’s all I saw. He was very excited to meet, and understandably a little nervous. The first date we had wasn’t particularly well planned as he asked me when I was at work and I had no plans that evening (I’m told a lot of guys like spontaneity, so I figured I’d oblige).

The first date was fun, we had coffee at Waves. I loved it there and it was air conditioned. It was like a little Vancouver gem just one month into Calgarian exposure and I’d never been to that one before. The date ended with a walk where I spilled the beans on what I want. That’s one thing about me that I know for sure, all of the guys I’ve been with have always known what I’ve wanted. I’ve always made it very clear. He gave me the smiling eyes and we parted ways.

In spite of the alright first date, and my appreciation for his respective awesomeness, I knew it wasn’t right. The second date rolled around and we decided to have dinner. I’m a naturally talkative person as anyone that knows me will loudly attest to. I can go on tangents (often witnessed on this blog by my few appreciating followers) where I can wind up extending certain points that may or may not apply to the overall idea (did I just do that?). We exchanged less than 30 words each, and I think I was responsible for about 17. It was the most uncomfortable dinner I’ve had since I was a kid. You know, holidays and stuff.

We parted ways after he waited with me for my train and I thanked him for the dates. I wish him the best. 🙂