Bad Food Dilemmas

So I’ve been a recovering sugar fiend, held by the clutches of Skittles (whether Sour, Tropical, regular or one of the more exciting Cores or ooooh! the Darkside ones. *drool*), chocolate covered almonds, chocolate milk, Fuzzy Peaches, you name it. Until recently, while I was aware, I wasn’t fully ready to accept that I was addicted. I was somewhat in denial, but more or less ignoring the pink, sugary elephant in the room.

Anyhow, in my personal progress, I realized I wanted a slim body more than I wanted the seeming-crack high of ridiculous amounts of sugar. I usually don’t have a huge problem with this, but I have been getting hit with waves of low blood sugar in the afternoon (could have something to do with cutting about 800 – 1000 calories a day – ongoing process), so I am often left battling these familiar impulses. Yesterday I was particularly exhausted, so I took transit. My headphones had died after I tossed them blindly in the washing machine the day before, so I needed to make a trip to the drug store to get some cheapies.

I got in the drug store and immediately saw all of the greats; Snickers, Oh Henry (you mean Oh BABY!), and my favourite, Skittles. I couldn’t stand the thought of just relapsing to my old sugar-fiend ways, so I settled on getting jerky (not that I often eat that either, but it’s the lesser of two evils, kind of). Right before I went to get the jerky, there appeared a gaggle of youth who were intimidating to say the least, and it wasn’t my strongest moment. I quickly darted to the back of the aisle and grabbed some delicious looking Glosette Almonds. I held them closely with my new headphones in hand, of course shamefully trying to hide them from this child that was in the aisle, as if they cared. I got all the way to the till and saw some even better looking orange Tic Tacs. I promptly looked away as I threw down the Glosettes I wanted and grabbed Tic Tacs.

It’s a day by day process. Le sigh.

Oh, and I ate all of the orange Tic Tacs virtually at once. Haha, oh me

Relationship Lists & Advice

Different people have different ideas about how life works, how relationships work, how parenting works, how to advance your career, etc. I personally don’t like taking advice from people who aren’t where I want to be. I don’t necessarily mean exactly where I want to be in every way since some people are stronger professionally than they are in their personal lives, but offering advice where they do excel.

I have been talking lately with a lot of people in my life who are somewhere I might want to be. Married friends, dating friends, happy people, etc., just trying to soak up anything of value they may have to offer, even contrast to push me toward clarity. It helped. I talked out different ideas with those I trusted an I came to many conclusions – one of the more notable, that lists are silly.

I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but when you have a list of rigid bullet-points that are supposed to comprise what you expect out of a relationship, it’s a slippery slope. For example, if I were to say that I wanted a man who was physically fit, I’d already have caught myself because I’m not in the kind of shape I think I’d need to be in to match that. Not saying that I’d necessarily need to be, but there would be a definite contrast between our lifestyles which may not align long-term. Another example would be wanting someone who is following their passion. Well, I’m not. At least not yet.

The conclusion I came to through all of that is that I want to fully commit to becoming the strongest version of myself before pursuing someone. There are always exceptions, and I’d hope to meet the man of my dreams before that, but until I’m fully committed to myself, expecting the kind of awesomeness I do from life, especially in terms of relationships, is almost silly.

…and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Professional Aspirations

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my professional aspirations. While I appreciate my current position for having served, and continuing to meet my needs, I also realize the sense of urgency to fully commit to my passion.

When it comes to the work, I know a few things; I know I don’t particularly want to be frontline anything (Okay, I really don’t want to be frontline), I know that I want to contribute more than that. I know that I can type fairly fast (65 + WPM last I checked) with reasonable accuracy, and I know that I’d like to have a semi-flexible schedule. In short, I think writing is something I want to try to pursue. Not necessarily for the purposes of just becoming a writer, but even in terms of this blog. I don’t make any money (nor do I necessarily need to or plan to) from it, and it helps me get my thoughts out there.

In terms of long-term finances, I know that I’m not addicted to the money I make now. I can make the necessary adjustments to refine my lifestyle if I were to take a $10,000 – $15,000 pay cut. I don’t think I’ll have to worry, but I’d be more than happy making the amount of money I make now, doing what I love to do full-time.

Just some food for thought, for now. Mmmm, food.

Unreliable Fool!

This is more or less an extension of my rant on online dating yesterday. At this point, during my month of being in active pursuit of dating and different degrees of networking, I managed to begin talking to a lot of interesting people. Anyhow, one was particularly interested in me, and I was reduced to only being interested in friendships (which ultimately lead to my closing of my online accounts. You heard me, accounts. I had more than one). This guy, we’ll call him Edgar, mostly because I like that name and never meet them, was quite a gem.

First he was constantly hounding me, like a starved Chihuahua, doing the cute dance they do when they’re trying to feed their carnivorous beings. I usually avoid those guys because they only seem to be focused on sex, which is okay, but more or less not something I keep in the forefront when I’m looking for guys. Anyhow, I agreed to meet him. He seemed nice enough, though damaged from a breakup about a month prior. Without the expectation, we set a time and place to meet. Two hours later, I get a text saying he wanted to meet at a completely different place at a completely different time. So I understood plans change, until I realized that our original meeting place, a central location, close to downtown was almost an hour further away considering the way I had to get there.

He changed back to our original meeting place and time before changing it yet again. I read the text and ranted to a friend about how much more work this was turning out to be when I hadn’t even met this fool.

I replied almost an hour after that, flustered, simply stating “No, that won’t work for me.”

My friend had a good point. I try my best to have a liberal mindset when it comes to relationship dynamics, but I like assuming the feminine role. I like being pursued (at least a bit in the beginning, though I know this needs to be mutual), and I feel awkward when I’m the one being asked out and I’m either expected to pay for the date, or I’m the one dominating the situation or some other uncomfortable situation. Later on in relationships things can be mutual, but in the beginning, I like when men are at least a little more forward.

I never ended up meeting this guy. I figure that even if I did spend my time going there, he may not show up and I’d probably resent him anyway. That wouldn’t be fair for him, not when he could be off meeting girls who won’t resent his lack of meeting time commitment.

Oh dating.

Dating Sites

This generation is more connected than ever, yet we couldn’t be more separated. Or so it seems. In the past, I’d dabbled in online dating, with varying degrees of drive and seriousness to actually find an extra special someone. Anyhow, this past month, I’ve made it a point to actively pursue at least networking to find people I’d like to have in my life, less the weighted expectation of relationship potential. At least that’s what I disguised it as.

It’s funny to me how people (by people, I mean me) go onto these sites and list themselves as “looking for friends to hang out”. If “hang out” is slang for hardcore XXX, then yes. I’m seeking some “friends” to “hang out” hahaha. Can’t have too many friends, eh? I’m only kidding. Maybe.

Anyhow, I decided that I needed to find a way to display myself in the best possible light I could, while devising the perfect amounts of sexy with sweet and not overselling. I don’t want to make it seem like any of it was staged, you know? I was just lying here, sprawled out, semi-seductively eyeing up my webcam camera while hoping it doesn’t smash, blowing the entire plot. The pictures turned out well. As expected, I got a crap-ton of responses. Everyone was coming out of the woodwork (by everyone, I mean some people). Black guys, Latinos, middle Eastern guys, white boys, you name it. I got message after message of “hi” and “ur hot”, and I couldn’t help the perpetual eye rolling.

It got me really thinking… in a pool of millions of potential partners, don’t these guys find it something of a priority to position themselves to get the maximum result out of the least amount of effort, especially with something as superficial and general as online dating can be? I even found myself mindlessly scanning through dozens of profiles, almost hoping that the man of my dreams would leap out of my laptop (Can that happen? He can leap out of anywhere anytime now), reducing whole people to mere words on a template.

In short, I took a step back and realized that every person, well almost everyone on those sites are people. Whole people with awesome friends (hopefully), and loving families. Maybe they aren’t for me, and that’s okay. But they deserve my attention when I’m actively trying to see the good in them. Unless they’re rapists. That shit ain’t cool.

One of my profile pictures. I'm looking happily at the uneventful ceiling.
One of my profile pictures. I’m looking happily at the uneventful ceiling.

I Am Jennie

So, I’m re-reading I Am Jennie by Jennie Ketcham, a recovering addict and former porn star who appeared on Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew and subsequent series Sober House. I bought the book originally in August or September 2012, on a random day when I was feeling pretty drawn to it. When I’m at the bookstore, it’s actually one of the most stressful times for me because I get so overwhelmed with potential books I want; it’s overstimulation in the greatest extent.

Anyhow, I love the book. When I first read it, I was mostly looking for details on her sordid days, the money she made, the fame, etc. I knew of her before Sex Rehab, but not too well. I thought she was hilarious as fuck. Either way, the book I think changed a lot of people’s perception of her. It’s awesomely laid out, jumping from her days as a kid, the seedlings of later trouble, to the time of her treatment which was early 2009 if I recall correctly. It’s a great book overall and I would totally recommend it to anyone I knew that was interested.

I saw a speech she gave at the Pasadena Recovery Centre in August 2012 where she had been treated by Dr. Drew, where she really hit home I think for almost everyone who would have seen it. I can’t speak for everyone, but after reading books on addiction, I’m often left with a feeling of “well, they fixed it. Yay for dem!”, but the truth is that it is an ongoing struggle. I had the same thing after reading How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, Jenna Jameson’s book in 2006. The book ends I think in 2002 or 2003, before Jenna’s life changed later on. I’m not saying I don’t expect life to change, I guess it is weird to some extent for a 20-something or 30-something writing much of their life story when there’s so much left. It’s just one of those things I guess. I’d like to be one of those people, maybe writing my memoirs, or at least the first part before I’m 30.

The book got me thinking a lot about how easily you can slip into very primitive, negative habits that can seem totally logical in the moment, but can ultimately destroy your body, mind, spirit and strength of heart at your own admission. It’s crazy to think of how much pain people subject themselves to by means of their negative thought patterns, myself included.

Hmm.

Below are links to where you can buy Jennie’s book, to her blog 🙂

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_11/180-5043769-5143866?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=i+am+jennie&sprefix=I+am+Jennie%2Caps%2C584#/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=i+am+jennie+&rh=n%3A283155%2Ck%3Ai+am+jennie+

http://www.becomingjennie.wordpress.com

Bathroom Rant / Concern

I wasn’t intending to make this blog a ranting thing, but hey. I don’t know of any blogs that don’t at least have a bit of ranting. Either way, the ones who don’t are really missing out. Anyhow, this is a rant about the bathroom. Well, a concern.

In my workplace, the commonly used bathroom stalls are a little crooked. The doors don’t really close properly on some, so it’s incidentally caused a number of women to not actually lock the door as they are doing their bidness. Today I walked in and the stall was open ajar, and I almost opened it to use the stall until I saw some shoes beneath the door. Perfect timing on my part, I patted myself on the back and breathed a sigh of relief that I didn’t freak myself out since I’m running on pure cortisol after a short night of sleep this past month.

Simply put, lock dat door when you’re in the batroom. Yhrrrrrr!?