I have discovered a significant, life-altering thing recently. I’ve spent about ten months immersing myself in what is possible, listening to and over analyzing every seminar and every possible scenario for how to apply the concepts to my life. I’ve listened to everything from sermens, to comedy, to intense study about changing your life. I’ve heard everything repackaged and rearranged by every exciting speaker and program. I didn’t spend a lot of time actually listening to myself, however. I kept hearing these wonderful concepts, but I did not devise any way of actually applying it to my life. Nothing compared to the possibilities these opportunities presented, they were endless. My chosen dependency was food. Whether food or drugs or whatever your chosen ailment, it doesn’t matter. Just like profit in business, the behaviour is always the result of whatever it is you feel you’re missing.
One night, I was feeling particularly bad. I was preparing to eat a lot of food. I was always trying to mask the actual feelings, as many do. I had just returned from grocery shopping, and I was thrilled about the food I got. I was saying something funny to my father, kind of showy I guess, when I caught myself. I was feeling like a little kid. In that moment, I felt a little bit sensitive like an insecure child that just broke something. I was feeling a little dumb like that same kid. I was feeling a little gross, like I was that powerless little kid. I realized then and there that I had to begin to unravel the part of my life that all those seminars couldn’t do for me. I was always aware, like many, that like wasn’t “easy.” It wasn’t going to be all rainbows (which, on the contrary, while there may not always be rainbows, it’s certainly better depending on your beliefs), and even when I wanted to believe anything was possible, it wasn’t logical. As ridiculous and unlike anything I’d tell any child ever, I often felt this way as a kid. A few days prior, my life coach, Cathy had mentioned treating myself with kid gloves. I didn’t think much of it.
That night, I lay in bed thinking about my life. What I always wanted seemed so far away. I never consciously doubted anything I wanted wouldn’t happen once I committed. Once I committed to the dream, it’d all work out. When was that though? I couldn’t relax properly. So I decided now was as good of a time as any to begin the real work. I looked down to the left and shifted my emotions from the taking-care-of-everything-adult version of me, and actually imagined I was talking to a five or six year old version of me. I identified some of my life-limiting beliefs, as ridiculous as they seem now, it’s what was real at the time (mommy doesn’t want to spend time with me, I don’t deserve toys, etc). I talked to the small child in my and explained some things. I couldn’t be too general, because the five year old me wouldn’t understand. I had to be specific and direct. After about five minutes, I felt an unimaginable inner peace. I’d found something that people sometimes end their lives over… I understood the importance of using my adult awareness to reconnect to the part of me I thought was lost. To understand where I am going, I had to understand where I was.
To sum it all up, I realized the importance of things like meditation and time to myself. Actual time to myself free of time spent consumed with distraction.