Self Connection is the Only Way (for me)

I’ve spent years trying to make myself be, do or have something more than I do. I have tried to make myself be a better daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend and employee. I’ve tried to make myself thinner, softer, louder, quieter, to save money, to spend money, to have a sense of style, and to hide away because the world isn’t safe.

Just writing this out makes me feel a deep sense of sadness and an understanding of why I am so tired all the time. I still spend a lot of time in my day occupied v with trying to keep it all together, and to be everything for everyone at once. The funny thing is, I already know that nobody cares what I do or not. I don’t mean that in some sad way, but for everything that i try to be, it’s based in and built around wanting the approval of my family.

My point is this: now that I’ve found ways to connect with myself, I have bad days when I abandon myself the way I always did before. To anyone reading this, choose you and care about what you want more than anyone else. If they’re meant to be there, looked out for by you, you can truly be there by choosing them too. And if it’s too damn heavy, let it go.

The City

Initially I wanted to have something structured and wanted people to see my blog as… I don’t know. Special? I’m not sure. Either way, it feels heavy so I’m just going with what I feel hehe. 

I was downtown on my way home this evening when I looked up at the tall, beautiful skyscrapers. I thought about how masculine everything is and how desperately it calls to the feminine to balance it. 

That’s why the downtown my city feels so lonely after dark… It’s so full of this amazing masculine energy and it craves softness. Like what New York and Vancouver have… A large art scene that’s authentic and built over decades of collaboration. It’s so beautiful to really notice all of the planning, effort and adjustments that needed to be made. Things I take for granted will work. That they’ll support me, allowing me to float effortlessly through my day. 

And I really love it… Every building was built from masculine energy that wanted to support the feminine, to keep it warm… Protected from the elements yet with full visibility to all that’s possible to it. Hence modern architecture. Everything is floor to ceiling windows. 

It makes me think of when a man takes pride in being able to protect. While we as women may not need it in the same way as we used to on the surface, I don’t know a single feminine woman who doesn’t want it on some level. Usually the only thing holding them from it seems to be what they think it means to have that, to be in a receptive state of being. 

Just some thoughts… 

Adapting to Change

Recently my employer made the decision to move the division of the company into the same building with the rest of the business. 

We had been told almost a year in advance but it didn’t hit most of us until it was time to go. I was part of a first wave of sorts and was actually excited about that after awhile. 

March 30 came and it was my first day. I woke up with the most intense anxiety and nothing I or my boyfriend did could alleviate it. I was intent on powering through, but it was debilitating. 

I seemed to find my groove when I got in. There were some familiar faces, some nice IT people and even a few people I’d seen but didn’t really connect with in the past. This was an exciting time, I was about to reinvent myself. 

The first day left me so depleted and I couldn’t figure out why. My job was no different and I wasn’t annoyed by anybody or anything. I didn’t sleep well that night, though. 

The next day I felt numb. I was equally, if not more open and engaging than the day before, determined to connect with people. I ended up overreacting to some negative feedback and sought support from some co-workers​. 

Later that night I was in the car with my boyfriend and something was said that made me a bit emotional. I had let my work stress affect something I had promised him I’d do. After hearing him out, I felt a massive wave of emotion bubbling up. I did my usual “take control, breathe” process but it wasn’t working. I began hyperventilating and had a full blown meltdown. I even opened the car door for air and slid onto the ground. I wailed and wailed for about five minutes. I found myself laughing heartily before I even realized. I felt so amazing, so light. 

It occurred to me that I needed to prioritize relaxation. I needed to take full control of only what I can, and surrender what I can’t. So I have been. I’ve been asking myself for my “girly time”, which may involve taking a bath, taking a nap, writing, burning incense, etc. It has helped so much. 

We think so often that we can just power through and make whatever needs to happen – happen… But you can’t make anything worthwhile happen without remembering to take care of yourself every day. ❤ 

That’s all ❤ I hope everyone who reads this has a great day/week/month. 

“In Great Successes, Fear Breeds Accomplishment”

Earlier this year, my boyfriend had exposed me to “Million Dollar Listing New York”, and I had watched a different verson of MDL in the past. As we began to watch it, I immediately was off-put by the seemingly over-the-top persona of one of the show’s stars, Fredrik Eklund. He very quickly grew to be our most favourite on the show and we always looked forward to when Fred would burst into some sort of fabulously expressive moment that would somehow increase his undeniable cuteness.

Anyhow, I found out that he wrote a book called The Sell: The Secrets of Selling Anything to Anyone. I subscribe to Audible and every month, subscribers get a credit for a free book. I try to resist buying audio books impulsively since you pay for the app, but I simply couldn’t with his. It is amazing, and I have actually listened to parts of it over ten times.

The foreword, written by Barbara Corcoran, is also amazing. Something interesting happened a few weeks ago though. In listening to the book this last time, her quote ‘in great successes, fear breeds accomplishment’ shifted something for me.

The concept of balancing what I am terrified of continuing to experience mixed with what I desperately long to experience has empowered me to majorly scale back on spending, overeating and doing any of the little things I regularly do to give my power away.

I no longer feel the external threat of something happening because that was only symbolic of my own disconnect and hangups about myself and my life.

This is so brand new and I have moments where I give in to the old psychology but it’s like I am demolishing the house that I currently live in because it was poorly constructed, and I am now able to built a more solid house. One where I am aware of the dangers within my control and where I won’t create something bad by way of ignorance and neglect.

This is the beginning of the real work, but it’s like I’ve learned how much faster getting up the stairs can be now that I can skip two at a time.

❤ LA 🙂

Future SO Bright…

As I approach my 25th birthday, I can feel this massive internal shift towards empowerment. The things that I would tell myself to avoid uncovering my greatness and true value that I can provide are getting harder and harder to ignore.

Lately I have been facing more and more of my fear, my resistance and the things that no longer serve me. Much of my stress comes from denying my absolutely crucial need to connect. There are times where I need to connect, but because I think that I can’t without being an inconvenience or something, I turn to addictive behaviours and thought patterns to falsely meet the need. This is a pretty big revelation for me since I have heard about addicts doing that but I have never actually observed the pattern within myself.

I am beginning to see that we’re all working away, doing our best. There has to be an element of trust and committment to yourself. You have to ‘buy in’ to yourself and really fall in love with the unfolding of your gifts, talents and greatest attributes. It really isn’t about you, but about everyone that will come into your life.

There are times when my gifts stress me out. The gifts themselves are amazing, but the need to share them can become difficult to handle. I’m chuckling as I am writing this because some people would LOVE to have this problem, but it is a struggle because I have never really unleashed my greatest potential. Ever. Of course it can be scary but that doesn’t mean that you can’t take a risk.

I felt this need to make this ‘return to blogging’ very polished and pretty. It isn’t happening that way and I’m totally okay with that. I don’t feel the need to censor myself or to sell myself or this blog to anyone. If I want to make it about connection, a perfectly polished website wouldn’t necessarily do that. I am not there yet. I need to continue feeling my way through things.

This might sound somber, but it isn’t. In a way, I am immersed in what is possible but it is important to feel safe enough to do that and really let myself feel good. Things are going great, and they’re only getting better. (that last sentence reminds me of that “future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades” song hahaha.)

LA ❤ 🙂

Weight Loss, Financial Independence and Family Agreements… Wait, what?

Like many, I have struggled with my weight. By that I mean, my expectations about how I should look. I have not felt truly appreciative of my body and all of the amazing things it can do in some time. It’s kind of silly to think about feeling good or bad about your body. Your body is your body, a tool for survival. Why should we have an opinion on it, even when we experience pain/disease, etc? The only focus should be on providing the best support and environment for one’s body to repair itself, because in most cases, it will.

My weight fluctuates. I’m 5’8″ and proportion my weight very well, so it certainly doesn’t appear as “bad” as someone who would be say 5’2″ or 5’3″. While I may lose say 20 lbs. over the course of a month, I will love how it feels and then inevitably allow my focus and determination to wane, and eventually gain most of it back.

Recently I have gained a bit more than before, but it feel different. It feels almost as though it is related to my emotional wellbeing. Specifically my focus on things I cannot control. Naturally this causes a low-level anxiety that Jon Gabriel says “turns on the fat programs”.

As with millions of others, I have tried a plethora of diets and approaches to losing weight. Well, shedding weight. There is that thing about not wanting to find it again, which I agree makes sense.

An amazing friend of mine who is a Life Coach had mentioned to me once that often families have unspoken agreements about conduct and how far one can “step out on their own” without facing isolation. I wasn’t ready to fully absorb what that meant when I heard it, but it stuck with me. I was in a place where I blamed myself for everything and took on massive responsibility for everything I experienced. Now I see that it isn’t about blame. It’s nice to know that I can put things in perspective that didn’t have much to do with anything I did or didn’t do.

When I looked at my family I thought about how there are the standard “rich people are bad” and “women are users” type of language. Of course if you ask any one of them about these things, they will clarify that it is only some rich people and some women. On a deeper level, the resentment still exists.

In so many ways, I have always fought those stereotypes. I would only let myself save a certain amount of money or only be so feminine that I often missed out on crucial opportunities for joy, growth and experience. It never felt that bad when I missed those opportunites though – I wouldn’t want to cause a rift between myself and those I love most. It felt like I was doing the right thing in some way.

I talked with my boyfriend on the phone last night about this because it was all so overwhelming to work through on my own. He listened intently as he always does and reminded me of an interesting perspective that he had during a previous conversation. In response to my telling him something to the effect of not feeling like “those girls”, the privileged ones who seemed to take things for granted, he told me (and I’m paraphrasing here – I was feeling emotional, you know) “In a way, it’s like you use that as justification to continue playing small.”

In saying that, he cracked the shell that I used to protect myself from my own truth – I am afraid of what will happen if I shed my weight. I am afraid of what will happen if I become financially independent or Universe (or whatever demonination you adhere to) forbid financially free. How will these things change my life?

This is what comes up:

– I fear that if I let go of the weight, I will be fully exposed and vulnerable to the world. I understand that I am vulnerable now, but if something happens to me or specifically to my body, it isn’t the real me – it’s the real me with several lbs. of extra weight. In a way it’s dissociative.

– I fear that if I am financially free, my family will resent me for becoming like the people we don’t like.

That is an interesting choice of words, just oozing with intense emotion and heaviness…

In the first point, I still assume a massive amount of responsibility. Not just for myself but for the WORLD. How can anyone prepare for or reconcile that fear? Of course it’s overwhelming, nobody can control the world or anything really. Except themselves. Also, in the second point, I used “we” when describing those that I am avoiding becoming.

Sharing this is incredibly therapeutic for me, and I want more of it. Perhaps it’s the right step because it is extremely vulnerable. I am taking my need for connection and marrying it with my goal of opening up and feeling everything. In turn, I am sure that this is what will help me drop and maintain my weight for the rest of my life.

More to come…

LA ❤ 🙂

Trauma and the Loss of Innocence

The world can be a very scary place. Even scarier can be realizing that so often we miss the most amazing moments that are there to serve as rewards, true manifestation of the results of our progress. We miss these moments partially because they are filtered through the protective boundaries created in response to traumatic experiences.

I have grown so much over these past two years. Having faced many past hurts, I have an ever-growing appreciation and love for myself that wasn’t there for years. I am turning 25 in August and something about that milestone triggered me to take a look back.

Every single time I took a step, I felt both liberated and terrified. I was met with a new resistance within myself that would trigger me to question my path. At first, there was an overwhelming sense that things couldn’t possibly be this good, this calm and relaxed in my life. It was almost like I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, expecting the good that I was finally beginning to allow myself to experience would just fall apart. On some level I suppose I felt that even if it did, I would be right – and being right can sometimes seem more gratifying than being happy.

I have learned that the loss of innocence – my loss of innocence, was inevitable. Whether it was the traumatic things I experienced in my childhood or the terrible things that happen to innocent people all over the world, an awakening occurs for most of us. We must cross this bridge at some point.

If I could go back and have a conversation with my younger self I would tell her to spend less time trying to reconcile why these bad things happen. I would tell her to focus on undoing the patterns and fear that would eventually cloud her later years. The same patterns and fear that would often make her feel like a prisoner in her own life.

Pain has the power to destroy worlds and it always begins with your own. Adversity is a non-negotiable in this world and to try to sterilize the planet of it is futile.

I cannot explain or fully comprehend why it has to be this way. Perhaps it doesn’t and we have not evolved to be able to see that. When I think about specific events in my life, I can only imagine how different things could have been if I had said “why not me?” instead of “why me?”. For better or worse, the things that happen in our lives change us. They make us who we are, and in every moment we have the capacity to grow. This is nothing new, we have all seen and heard it a million times.

For years, I felt such intense resentment and in some cases, hatred for individuals that contributed to things that had a negative effect on my life. I had every reason to hold on for dear life, because on some level I wanted to ensure that there was a clear and distinct difference between them and myself. It made me think that they were in a place where they were unable to connect, to support, to love.

Things I went through gave me the awareness that not everybody cares about me. They gave me an appreciation for those individuals who do show up in a way that inspires me, who love and support me. They enriched the quality of my experiences because in working through the related trauma, I discovered the balance between my strength and my vulnerability.

I am still scared from time to time. Scared of my vulnerability, of my femininity. Scared of taking the risk of being open, thinking that I will be taken advantage of. The difference now though is that I am equipped with boundaries that allow me to put that fear in perspective. I am no longer a child, or a girl. Nobody can take anything from me that I do not permit. Without my life experiences, I would not have realized that my gifts are not for just anyone to experience.

It is natural to want to undo the damage, to pretend that these things don’t or didn’t happen. It’s easy to think that the answers lie in punishing the perpetrator, and maybe it is. I know it wasn’t in my case though. I am learning to look at those involved in my past hurts with a sense of love and understanding that I wasn’t always afforded.

This is the best thing that I have ever done for myself, those with whom I have a close life and the world at large. In working through these things, I am experiencing the most beautiful unfolding. It is as though I am finally giving myself permission to regain my connection with who I was before all of that. I have done many things that I regret, to myself and others. The more I connect with myself, the more I connect with everything around me.

Maybe it will take me years to fully open, but it’s worth every second. I am so grateful for every step of the journey and I want to share it with the world.

LA 🙂 ❤