Moments O’Shift

In three days, it will be 8 years at the company I work for. A whopping 8 years since my panicked run into the training room full of more-qualified-and-punctual-than-me new employees. Unlike most of my hiring class, I was interviewed at head office and not the location where I’d be working. Also unlike most of my hiring class, I felt entirely undeserving of such an opportunity.

I went to the side door and couldn’t figure out how to open it. I had just begun to stress-cry when an old battle-axe of a woman came out and asked me who I was, etc., leading me down to the training room. I wish I had thanked her even more for being so helpful.

That old battle-axe lady, my main trainer and 75% of my 2011 hire class are gone. I had always hoped for an authentic friendship with some or just one of the people in my hiring class but it never really happened. I had lots of moments and I’m grateful for those memories, but I suppose it was meant to be fleeting.

When I took the position, I remember telling myself that it would be “temporary, I’m on to bigger and better things within six months or less”. Here I am, sitting in my apartment all these years later. The apartment that this job helps to pay for.

I was 19 when I got this job, the youngest person at the company. At that time.

I’ve been asked if I regret staying as long as I have and I definitely don’t regret little gifts I received as a result of making that choice; the friendships, professional development, salary, time off, etc. I do however, know that I have paid a price of my own in that sense. The price of my youth. Not living into any particular passion, even though it was available to me.

When you’re in the thick of an intense environment, it’s easy to defer everything that doesn’t fit perfectly into it. Before you know it, 3, 5, 7, 10 years pass and you aren’t any happier than you were at the beginning.

I so often forget that I have control, that my life is not decided for me. Whether I’m active or passive, I choose all of how I respond to things in my world. And I’m so grateful for that, even if I forget. Which I do. Often.

My job no longer fits, though I’m fully appreciative and have the utmost gratitude for everything it’s given me. I was a different person when I walked into that building and I’ll be a different person when I leave.

As for when I’ll leave, I’m really not sure. I trust in the flow of life however, and I’m doing my best to release any resistance I have to allowing that inspiration and creativity to flow through me. When the time is right, I’ll know.

For now, I will reflect on and appreciate the past as I look to the future. Contrary to conventional insecurity, I love that I’m on the edge of 28. I am so grateful to be getting older, to have lived this long. I wasn’t so sure 10+ years ago. Back when I didn’t have to do my vitamin A oil massages to smooth out the beginnings of wrinkles on my forehead.

I love the story of my life. My only regret was not having more fun through each phase… if I had though, I suppose I wouldn’t realize how important that is going forward.

LA ❤

The Next Chapter

Nearly 7 years into having this blog, I have deleted all of its posts. I had posted infrequently and it didn’t really have any sort of focus. If anything, it served more as a journal.

I am pleased to have removed all of the previous content. I would like to start anew, especially because I’m in a transitional phase of my life. When I started this blog, I was an unappreciative 22 year old. I’m happy to report that I have graduated to being an unappreciative 27 year old.

I am not as pleased to admit that I had not lived into some of the wisdom I had back then. A few things I would tell my 22 year old self if I could:

1. Life will not happen to you nearly as often as you happen to it. Nobody’s coming to save you.

2. It’s awesome that you lost all that weight. Please don’t think that those little choices don’t matter. Every little bit counts. Please choose to be healthy.

3. You are deserving of a peaceful life. You are not responsible for anything beyond your scope.

4. Take time to breathe and focus on boundaries.

5. Save your money. You’ll need it.

It feels really good having written those messages to my younger self. I don’t regret my poor choices because they happened for me, but reflection is important.

Now, for the next step…